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Breaking News! Mermaids Are Fake! But Here Are 6 Real Sea Monsters to Fill the Gap

Posted by on Monday, July 9th, 2012

Mermaid's Aren't Real

Image source: Floridastateparks.org

I know, I was just as shocked as you are. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has settled the debate once and for all by officially announcing that mermaids are not real. They report on their website, “No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found. Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That’s a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists.”

The unplumbed depths of the ocean suddenly feels a little bit smaller, but fear not — for all of you romantic people out there who love the spirit of mystery and adventure, I can assure you that the ocean is still filled with sea monsters. Yes, I’m being totally serious. Mermaids are out, but there are other legendary monsters that would absolutely scare the swim trunks off of you. You thought the Creature from the Black Lagoon in that classic Hollywood movie was creepy? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

I know that this blog has a reputation for showing off some of the nature’s most stunningly beautiful creations, but sometimes you’ve got to put things into perspective. Today, we’re going to switch things around and look at the most hideous sea monsters ever to crawl out of our nightmares. Be warned! This post is only for the most adventurous readers. If any of you don’t want to get a case of the heebie-jeebies, I recommend that you visit one of my more visually relaxing articles, like this one on the beautiful discus fish or this one about the Kuroshio Sea exhibit.

You think you can handle it, eh? Alright, suit yourself. Prepare to be grossed out.

6. Lumpsucker

Lumpsucker

Image source: Flickrhivemind.net

Falling squarely into the category of “a face only a mother can love,” these amorphous blobs of fat got hit with the ugly stick, which they promptly ate. The “lump” part of their name is fairly obvious. The “sucker” part comes from a set of fins on the bottom of the species that they use to suck onto substrate.

Spiny Lumpsucker Fish

Image source: Coasttocoastam.com

This species isn’t studied very well (who would want to?) but I’m pretty sure that the way lumpsuckers have survived for so long is that other predators think, “Blugh, no way I’m eating that.”

5. Monkfish

Monkfish at Market

Image source: Wikimedia.org

I once had a friend describe a monk fish as, “imagine a puddle of mud that grew teeth.” These hideous monstrosities are basically shaped like a giant mouth with a tail fin connected to the back.

Giant Monkfish Mouth

Image source: Odumagazine.com

I don’t even understand where the food goes after a monkfish has eaten it. There’s isn’t any room left inside of this fish for important things like guts. Hideous!

4. Tigerfish

An Asian Tigerfish

Image source: Treehugger.com

You probably thought you were safe from sharks and other leg-chompers when you swim in fresh water. Not only can some species of shark, such as bull shark, swim upstream into brackish waters, but some Southeast Asian rivers are home to the dreaded tigerfish.

Goliath Tigerfish

Image source: Treehugger.com

This 100-pound fish has 32 needle-sharp teeth and can grow up to five feet long. Jeremy Wade of the popular TV show River Monsters described the species: “It is, for all intents and purposes, a giant piranha. It is quite a beast. The teeth on it are incredibly sharp and are about the same length as a great white shark.”

3. Giant Isopod

Giant Isopod

Image source: Wikipedia.org

Entomophobia is the fear of bugs. Even though the Giant Isopod is a crustacean and not a bug, this wretched abomination of the wild will set off alarm bells in that instinctive part of your brain. How would you like to wake up in the middle of the night to see one of these things crawling across your stomach?

Giant Isopod Underbelly

Image source: Maibey.wordpress.com

Those are horrible! Surely, there can’t be anything worse than that isopod. Right? Right?!

2. Lamprey Eel

Pacific Lamprey Eel

Image source: Sfist.com

These swimming mouths will latch onto a fish, kind of like a leech, and gradually gnaw on it until it’s had its fill. So, yes, they’re basically just giant leeches, but with more teeth.

Lamprey Eel Teeth

Image source: Ernielb.blogspot.com

1. Barry

Last but not least is Barry, the Giant Sea Worm. Workers in the Blue Reef Aquarium in Cornwall, United Kingdom couldn’t figure out what was ravaging one of their coral reef displays. Their coral and their reef fish were mysteriously vanishing.

So, they decided to set traps, complete with hooks and bait. When the aquarists came back the next day they found out that the traps had been completely destroyed. Whatever was eating the coral was eating their traps (hooks and all), too.

Finally, they decided to dismantle the aquarium rock by rock, and that’s when they discovered this four-foot-long polychaete worm.

Barry the Giant Sea Worm

Image source: Dailymail.co.uk

They decided to name him “Barry.” Not only was Barry annihilating the fish population, but this species has thousands of bristles spread across its body which can cause permanent numbness to any human who touches it. So, you can lose your sense of touch and your optimistic naïveté all in one spot.

Worm Body

Image source: Reeffrontiers.com

And here’s a mugshot:

Giant Sea Worm Head

Image source: Cryptomundo.com

Suddenly, don’t even the most mundane species of fish, such as goldfish, look like gilled supermodels?

16 thoughts on “Breaking News! Mermaids Are Fake! But Here Are 6 Real Sea Monsters to Fill the Gap

  1. Pingback: Blame it on the Moon and other Excuses | Sheer Investigations

  2. this website made me laugh so hard! my one friend wants to be marine biologist i wonder if she saw this would she change her mind?

  3. mermaids are real you haters! I don’t care if you think they’re fake because your wrong!!! If people want to believe that mermaids are real, then let them think that. I am inspired by mermaids, and you can’t stop that. I approve this message!

  4. if somebody thinks mermaids are not real its they’re problem. i do believe maybe thy exit,since just only 5% from the ocean was discovered…maybe its a secret world under the sea with lots of weird creatures but not like this.the creatures from this site do not belong with the mermaids at all. maybe once you’ll see…magic exist.good luck!

  5. Ha ha ha What kind of marine site is this supposed to be? Of course Mermaids are real! the next thing I suppose you will try to pass off are that Dragon’s are fake too…..
    Get Real dude!

  6. lmao what a lie! Mermaids, sea monsters, cyclops and dragons are ESPECIALLY true. Just because they don’t jump up in your face and say “hey guys why dont you tranqulize me and take me back to your scientifc prison and research me!” does not mean they’re fake. You gotta look farther than the eye can see and open your mind to new experiences and findings. Good luck to you :) Also search the most unexpected and hidden places you can find lot more to the world!;)

  7. Have you not seen mermaids the body found? NOAA is lying! Maybe you shouldn’t just believe everything you hear. Plus,who are you or NOAA to say that mermaids don’t exist… it’s a big world out there in the ocean that we know nothing about.

  8. seriously?? how do we know if mermaids really exist. it totally makes sense if the goverment found a body they would cover it up, ecspecially if they killed it, and of course the NOAA is going to say it didnt happen, probably because the goverment told them they had to. so who knows, they could be real, or they could be fake. i think they cold be real, the oceans are pretty huge, im sure there is alot of species undiscovered

  9. Ihate people like that.Saying mermaids arnt real when they barly even tryed to look they only discovered five percent of the oceon then just emeadiotly claimed that they arnt really thats just wrong and stupid.They could have just rewined what someone beleived in.I think that mermaids are really but i dont think people should go out and find them because the people who went out to find them only didnt find them because mabey they dont want to be found.I think its best to keep it a mystery cause when you find out then what do you do huh just say “YA I FOUND A MERMAID”.I just think its more fun to not wonder than acually know if they dont want to be found except it.i say to the people that said “breaking news mermaids dont excist”.LET US BELEIVE IN WHAT WE WANT DONT REWIN IT.

  10. All u guys are just living in a dream world did u watch avatar one too many times I study herpetology and biology at uwsp for 4 years yes some strange and mysterious creators do exist but mermaids give me a break only a moron would believe that too much Dugan and dragons guys lol lmfao rotfl there is no such thing as dragons either the closest thing to one would actually be the camodoe dragon which is a lizard lol u people omg I can’t belive how far science has come and that there is still this many ignorant ppl in this world

  11. These people are being sarcastic right?I was sure when I read the first comment,but then I am scared.It appears that it is common sense that Mermaids are real and I am the only one being so ignorant.

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  13. Ok, this site is crazy because mermaids are real. It proves it on Mermaids: The New Evidence. They are definitely real. No doubt about it!

  14. Having spent 20 years in the military and law enforcement,I was trained to look,observe,monitor any infractions or issues that came up via video or cctv or aerial observations.Having seen some of these scenes dealing with mermaids,I truly believe that all this is fakery brought on by GreenPeace and other pacifists determine to undermine the fishing industry and sports fishing.I do agree with Greenland securing their wildlife coastal preserve but the rest stinks of dolphin doodoo.Greenpeaceniks just stay out of Texas!

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